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22 January 2013

Does this count as two days in a row?


I stole this from Issa.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My parents. They are the least creative people alive, if you know my first and middle names.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Um, last night. Upon dealing with work stuff.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I have teacher handwriting. Sometimes, that drives me crazy
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Sure? What kind of question is that?
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Yes
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. 
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Absolutely not
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Lucky Charms. Or Fruit Loops. Or pretty much any that my mother wouldn't buy while I was growing up
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I'm far too lazy for that. I only own like two pairs of shoes with laces anyhow!
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
No. I dig for strength and can't find it often.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Peanut butter chocolate
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I honestly have no idea
15. RED OR PINK?
Pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
The way I stress about everything
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My babies. My best friend's daughters. I ache for their cuddles on hard days.
18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
Do you want to ask my dance instructor?
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
None at this moment. Purple Toms all day.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A small handful of chocolate chips
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
I was listening to Switched at Birth. Right now, nothing
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Purple
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Cookies. Clean blankets.
24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
Important enough that I almost lost friends. I'm not talking about it.
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Mountain. I'm not a "beach" fan. Unless it could be a beach house at Tahoe? Then I'd get both!
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Baseball
27. HAIR COLOR?
Blonde.
28. EYE COLOR?
Blue.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope. But I have keratoconus so it's only a matter of time.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Carbs
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings. I don't do scary.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I honestly couldn't say. I could like 15 minutes of Mary Poppins on Sunday, does that count?
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Magenta
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Spring/Early summer
35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Ice cream
36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Cardio
37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer
38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Savvy
39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
People still have mouse pads?
40. FAVORITE SOUND?
Music
41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
Country. Christian.
42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Which home? I guess the answer doesn't change. Toronto.
43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In the San Fernando Valley, California
45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Denver-ish
46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Brown. I think. I just moved here, I should know this
47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Silver
48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?
It wasn't bad

21 January 2013

Struggle

I started the year with hefty goals.

I also promised to focus on the successes, not to dwell on the failures.

I'd like to pretend that I'm doing well with that. And maybe in some ways I am.

I've also been struggling. More than I thought possible. More than I have in several years.

January has always been a bit of a rough month, but February has historically been much worse. The first time I realized that I had a tendency for depression was my sophomore year of high school. It was the first weekend in February. I remember feeling helpless and hopeless. And all alone.

This continued the next three years, and there were many other times that were difficult. But that first weekend in February? Haunts me to this day, nine years later.

So, I'm struggling to understand why now? Why the second week of January? I was in tears every day this week. And explaining why I was upset didn't help. Because it's hard to explain why every little thing sets you off. I don't know why. I just know that it does. I feel weak, when I know I'm supposed to be strong. I feel lost, when I should know my way.

And the worst thing is, I feel whiny when I try to vent.

I have friend who are here for me, and people who care. I know this, and yet I don't accept this. Trusting people is hard. Opening up is seemingly impossible. How am I to know that someone's concern is genuine?

So for tonight, I'll write. I'll get the words out. And then, in the morning, I'll just pray that I find strength.

02 January 2013

Fresh Start

I spent the weekend in the mountains with my Bible study group.

It was an interesting weekend filled with laughter and bonding and lessons.

And a lot of discussion about "fresh starts". Turns out, we all need them. It's so easy to look back on a year and mark the failures. It's much harder to find the successes, even if small.

Last year, I opened up more. I learned to trust. When the walls came crashing down around me, I didn't run away. I didn't put up the barrier again.

Last year, I took on a challenging job. It is far from my goal, but I get up every morning and go to work. And I do my best.

Last year, I took risks. I traveled. I met "online" friends. I didn't let fear stop me from doing things.

Last year, I got hurt. It brought me down. I gained a lot of weight because I couldn't be active. In September, I began a challenge with friends. I lost every.last.pound. from the injury. Now, I'm working towards bigger goals.

And that's what I'm choosing to focus on, as I head into a new year. A year sure to be wrought with challenges and failures. A year sure to be marked by successes.

Those successes are what I want to learn to focus on more.

Many of them, hopefully, will relate to my 13 Goals for 2013.