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27 July 2011

Crossroads

I'm at a very interesting crossroads right now.

I applied and interviewed for what I was sure was the perfect job in Colorado. And I was very disappointed to not get the job. I interviewed the same week that my summer school position ended and I was scheduled to drive back home.

Nothing in me wanted to make that drive home. And when I found out that I didn't have the job, that drive was even more difficult.

However, I was told that they would like to use me as a regular substitute in their school. And I couldn't really see any reason to not take the offer. So, I applied to sub in the district. And heard nothing back. Right now, I don't know whether to start packing with the intention of being back in two weeks or not.

To make this decision even better, cheer camp started this week. I am loving every second of coaching, and I don't really want to have to tell these girls that I won't be continuing as their coach, even though they all know that is a definite possibility (see also: I should have listened when a friend said maybe going to camp wouldn't be the best idea, it gives me too much incentive to stay).

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't even know what I really want to happen. On one hand, the opportunities in Colorado (and there are a LOT, in many aspects of life) make it hard to want to stay here. On the other hand, this is my town and I can't stand to let people down or go back on what I say.

Hopefully everything will straighten out soon, so that I know what to do with my life for the next week.

12 July 2011

Two Years

Last year, I wrote this. It is amazing to me how far I've come in the last year.

Two years ago today, my aunt died from breast cancer. It has changed who I am in indescribable ways. I finally spoke to my cousin's family a couple months ago, but not my cousin. What do we say to each other, when our biggest connection is gone.

Normally, I go to Canada every second year. I cannot fathom that trip without her there. And so, this year does not include that plan. I am okay with this, mostly. But I probably should get over this feeling before my grandparents pass away. It's not fair to them that I refuse to visit because their daughter is gone.

Today, I've not cried, not yet. I had an interview this afternoon. A potentially life changing, oh please let me have this job interview. I think it went well, but really? How am I to know for sure? My aunt always told me that I had to send her a picture of me with my first class. Who will I send that picture to now? I knew I couldn't fall apart until afterwards, and I didn't even attempt to start writing until I got home from the interview.

I can honestly say that I'm doing well. The insomnia that hit when she died and the constant anxiety is gone. I still have rough days, but they are few and far between. I think of her often, but can talk about her without tearing up every time. Mom and I have had a conversation and referred to her, and ended up laughing through our tears, a much better way to be than the mention of her name making us unable to speak.

Two years ago, my world changed. I will never be the same. But I am so very glad to be making it through each day so much stronger than the dark, dark days surrounding my aunt's death.