05 November 2011

#OpEleanor Week 1

I have to admit something here.

I want to go home. I feel like a failure. I feel like this "experiment" may have been a HUGE mistake.

This feeling is stronger on Saturday nights when I sit home alone, that's for sure. This feeling is stronger because this was a really hard week, but it was here last week too. This feeling is stronger when I'm asked if I want to donate to the food bank and all I can think is that I can't even really afford the food I'm buying for ME so I can't help. Little things are bothering me and I just want to be home. I don't even really know where home is exactly, but the four days I spend with my family may or may not help at the beginning of next month.

I joined Operation Eleanor this week. Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do something every day that scares you." Megan/Undomesticdiva challenged us to do something every day for 30 days, for November. This week was full of moments that could count.

Tuesday: I took over a classroom. Of out of control second graders. I keep being told that I'm doing well and that there is definite evidence of change. I'm not sure I believe it. I sent a child to the office five times on Tuesday. I didn't have five office trips last year when I had my fifth graders.

Wednesday: There was six inches of snow on the ground. The day before had sucked. I didn't want to get out of bed. I did. I call that success for this experiment. I also drove to work without slipping a single time, so I felt quite accomplished. I had 10 students absent, the day went decently well.

Thursday: I sat at small group and played games without once checking twitter. I fall back on Twitter a lot and I know it. It's nice to know it's there to catch me when I need it and when I'm overwhelmed in settings which is more than I care to admit.

Friday: I started my day with a parent meeting. Parent meetings as a teacher are scary. Parent meetings when you've taken over a classroom three days before are terrifying. I don't know what, if any, difference it made; the day was hard. I finished my day by doing another thing that scares me. I went to dinner by myself. As much as large group social activities cause me stress and anxiety, so do on my own outings to restaurants. I have no idea why but it is what it is.

Saturday: Today started with a baby shower. As if those aren't scary enough, this was a baby shower for a friend from high school. Who I hadn't seen in nine years. There wasn't a single other person I knew. I survived. I almost chickened out five times this week. I knew I needed to go and not just because of this project.

To some extent, I think writing here has gotten scary. I don't know why, but I don't even click on the blogger link anymore. I need to overcome that. I challenge myself to take this month to write more. I know it's good for me, I know it's healing.

I'm excited to see where this month goes. I'm also terrified.

If you'd like to join Operation Eleanor/#OpEleanor - check out Megan's posts here and here. Or, just do it. There are no rules really.


Erin said...

But we're doing it. You're doing it- and you are doing it great. Who cares if some days are big and some are small and some are ... writing. THAT is sometimes the biggest act of courage. So count me for another today because telling you that it scares ME to write sometimes is another one-

Chibi said...

I hate that you feel like a failure because you're anything BUT in my eyes. Love you, dear heart. <3

Kristi said...

Wow, you had a hard week and toughed it out -- I think you're pretty awesome. I think the thing that has most struck me about this project is the many moments of "everyday terror" that so many of us are giving ourselves credit for -- and rightfully so. I think it takes double-whammy bravery to admit that something like meeting with parents is scary, and there's such power in admitting that and then congratulating ourselves for doing it anyway.