I have to admit something here.
I want to go home. I feel like a failure. I feel like this "experiment" may have been a HUGE mistake.
This feeling is stronger on Saturday nights when I sit home alone, that's for sure. This feeling is stronger because this was a really hard week, but it was here last week too. This feeling is stronger when I'm asked if I want to donate to the food bank and all I can think is that I can't even really afford the food I'm buying for ME so I can't help. Little things are bothering me and I just want to be home. I don't even really know where home is exactly, but the four days I spend with my family may or may not help at the beginning of next month.
I joined Operation Eleanor this week. Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do something every day that scares you." Megan/Undomesticdiva challenged us to do something every day for 30 days, for November. This week was full of moments that could count.
Tuesday: I took over a classroom. Of out of control second graders. I keep being told that I'm doing well and that there is definite evidence of change. I'm not sure I believe it. I sent a child to the office five times on Tuesday. I didn't have five office trips last year when I had my fifth graders.
Wednesday: There was six inches of snow on the ground. The day before had sucked. I didn't want to get out of bed. I did. I call that success for this experiment. I also drove to work without slipping a single time, so I felt quite accomplished. I had 10 students absent, the day went decently well.
Thursday: I sat at small group and played games without once checking twitter. I fall back on Twitter a lot and I know it. It's nice to know it's there to catch me when I need it and when I'm overwhelmed in settings which is more than I care to admit.
Friday: I started my day with a parent meeting. Parent meetings as a teacher are scary. Parent meetings when you've taken over a classroom three days before are terrifying. I don't know what, if any, difference it made; the day was hard. I finished my day by doing another thing that scares me. I went to dinner by myself. As much as large group social activities cause me stress and anxiety, so do on my own outings to restaurants. I have no idea why but it is what it is.
Saturday: Today started with a baby shower. As if those aren't scary enough, this was a baby shower for a friend from high school. Who I hadn't seen in nine years. There wasn't a single other person I knew. I survived. I almost chickened out five times this week. I knew I needed to go and not just because of this project.
To some extent, I think writing here has gotten scary. I don't know why, but I don't even click on the blogger link anymore. I need to overcome that. I challenge myself to take this month to write more. I know it's good for me, I know it's healing.
I'm excited to see where this month goes. I'm also terrified.
If you'd like to join Operation Eleanor/#OpEleanor - check out Megan's posts here and here. Or, just do it. There are no rules really.