Last year, I wrote this. It is amazing to me how far I've come in the last year.
Two years ago today, my aunt died from breast cancer. It has changed who I am in indescribable ways. I finally spoke to my cousin's family a couple months ago, but not my cousin. What do we say to each other, when our biggest connection is gone.
Normally, I go to Canada every second year. I cannot fathom that trip without her there. And so, this year does not include that plan. I am okay with this, mostly. But I probably should get over this feeling before my grandparents pass away. It's not fair to them that I refuse to visit because their daughter is gone.
Today, I've not cried, not yet. I had an interview this afternoon. A potentially life changing, oh please let me have this job interview. I think it went well, but really? How am I to know for sure? My aunt always told me that I had to send her a picture of me with my first class. Who will I send that picture to now? I knew I couldn't fall apart until afterwards, and I didn't even attempt to start writing until I got home from the interview.
I can honestly say that I'm doing well. The insomnia that hit when she died and the constant anxiety is gone. I still have rough days, but they are few and far between. I think of her often, but can talk about her without tearing up every time. Mom and I have had a conversation and referred to her, and ended up laughing through our tears, a much better way to be than the mention of her name making us unable to speak.
Two years ago, my world changed. I will never be the same. But I am so very glad to be making it through each day so much stronger than the dark, dark days surrounding my aunt's death.