Hello World

Do me a favor please.

Listen to this song.

This is me right now.

This chorus is my new ringtone.

Well hello world

How you been

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I’m never gonna heal

And I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurls

Well hello world

I feel like in the last couple weeks, I've started living again.

And then I have nights like last night.

Nights where a song knocks me off my feet and I can't stop crying.

"Broken like I'm never gonna heal"

Yeah, can totally relate.

I truly have been feeling better - but this song floored me when I least expected it.

Today was rough in a lot of ways.

I will climb out of this.

I will feel better.

I will wake up one morning and say

"Hello, world, my old friend"

I just hope that day is soon.

Feel like maybe I should write something and push that last post down. Mostly because it feels a bit petty to me and like a lot of whining.

However, I have been sick for the past several days. Like can't barely get out of bed because I'm getting so little sleep because my nose is so stuffy I can't breathe sick. So I've got nothing.

I could mention the job I applied for. The first one that I've actually gotten a response to. It's at a private school between Boulder and Denver. As much as I said that I would truly like to be in Colorado Springs, there's nothing there right now, so I'm applying to just about any job anywhere in Colorado that I qualify for.

K and B moved last weekend. I didn't talk to them the week before they left. Felt like it would be too hard, but now I'm really kind of sad that I didn't at least get to say goodbye. I know that I'll be going to visit if not to live nearby.

And honestly? The last few days have been happy. Happiest I've been in a long time. Feel like a giant weight has been lifted with the drama friend gone. Even if her facebook status have been really pointed and it's annoying. Ugh. Must learn to stop myself from going to say what she has written today.

And with that, I'm seriously out.

I'm pretty sure I lost a friend on Saturday night. I'm also pretty sure that I am 100% okay with that.

This is the same friend that I have went to Disneyland with and came back miserable (in fact, one of my tweets that week said "this is no longer the happiest place on Earth"). I then proceeded to go to Vegas with her because I wanted to see Taylor Swift. I came back miserable. I shot her brother's wedding. She was completely nasty to me and pushy and wouldn't let me get a shot of my own, trying to be in control of me. I attended her baby shower out of obligation (and the fact that I'd spent a ridiculous amount of money on the baby girl before I was livid).

Things calmed down a bit. She had the baby, calling me to watch the four year old at like 5am, knowing I live an hour away, but it felt good to think that she wanted ME to be with her daughter.

We went to Vegas over Thanksgiving. After listening to her complain about everything I like and wanted to do (like, um, all anyone fed us was food I don't eat, I had five minutes to myself and grabbed McDonald's because I was tired of starving - she made nasty comments), I was done. And then we got home. And she stormed out the house leaving me with her screaming three month old. Who wouldn't take a bottle even if there had been unthawed milk. I left and didn't want to go back. Ever. But, I had left my stuff in her garage and had bought Christmas presents for the girls. So, I kept going back.

Last month, I was asked to host a house party for Your Shape for Wii and Jello. She has a Wii, we did not. I left the games for her and the 4 year old to play with. I also ALWAYS said that once I had a Wii, I had two games to start with. The party was Saturday, she wasn't home until 5pm when we were supposedly having a party at 6. I had myself thisclose to talked out of even attending because she had been so pleasant it the last couple weeks (she in fact, after inviting HER friends and THEIR kids, told me that I would be cleaning up after the event - wouldn't have been a problem if she had perhaps asked? or not invited 8 extra kids). But I wanted my stuff. My camera, the various things from my car and my games as my parents bought a Wii.

The party was miserable. She wouldn't let me serve the Jello which was the whole point of the party. She ate one. She declared it terrible. She and her other friend were rude and nasty to me the entire night demanding that I do things. I eventually gathered my things and left. I told her I was taking one game and not the other, and I cleaned up the mess I had made. Maybe I should have cleaned up a little more. But, I couldn't think straight because I was so mad.

Before I'd gotten two blocks away, she'd sent me a message on facebook. By the time I made it home, I had two more. One accusing me of making the four year old cry and her feel unappreciated. Ha! She can feel that way all she wants - do we need to relive the hours upon hours of free babysitting I'd given, without ever feeling appreciated? Her facebook statuses for the past two days have been pointed jabs, which is obvious even though I have hid her from my stream. Yesterday, "she" called and I didn't answer. The message was her four year old. So, she tried to make the four year old guilt trip me into changing my mind about things? It's not happening.

I can't deal with this. I hated drama in high school. I've been paring down on my lists and purging things and people from my life for the past few weeks. I'm depressed and dealing with crap like this isn't helping. At all.

I cannot wait to find a job. I cannot wait to leave this area. It is completely toxic at this point. I'm beginning to wish I could do things other than teach, but my job experience is sorely lacking. I just want to be gone at this point, anything would do.

All I can do is wait and pray that something comes along.

My friend Katie is hosting an event over at her blog to share her successes in her weight loss journey. This event, which she is calling 75-0 in No Time Flat, will have a number of giveaways along the way to her goal weight. You can check it out by clicking here or check out the button over there in the sidebar!

I've known Katie for a number of years (going back to xanga and then baseball, I managed to get up my courage to say hi about a week before she moved to Denver!). One of the perks of moving to Colorado would be to get to know her a bit better in person rather than through the computer!

Ramblings due to insomnia

I received 0 comments on my delurking post. Makes me laugh a little because I do the same thing everywhere else.

I'm lying awake as I've done consistently for about a year now. I am a terrible sleeper which is particularly odd if you consider that for years I was asleep by nine or ten and didn't wake up at all. Now I fight to sleep before midnight. This is especially challenging because when I'm teaching I have to be at school by 7 or 8 depending on where I am.

Teaching high school on 5 hours of sleep is a lot of fun let me just say. I was dreading tomorrow and first grade but then realized that I actually have a later start then normal. However, I should still wrap this up and see how long it takes to fall asleep.

I am completely aware that this post is broken and choppy. I have decided to publish it anyhow because it will remind me of nights like these if I ever do get back on some kind of appropriate schedule.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Ooh, it's delurking week.

Since I am terrible lurker (I read probably close to 50 blogs, I comment on MAYBE two of them any given week), I'm not expecting much in the way of comments here. However? It'd be kind of nice.

I think most of you are here from Twitter nowadays. And of course, the continual "Jason Kendall and/or Jason Kendall's wife" searches ever since that post in June of 2006.

If you feel so inclined, I'd LOVE to have you say hi! I promise to TRY to be better about commenting on other blogs...

Ready? Go.