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10 November 2010

Happy

Six months ago, I was a very lost individual. I was sinking under the weight of depression. Every post I wrote was sad and full of despair. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn't see light at all.

The kids I loved had moved away, I was unable to find a job, my aunt had been gone less than a year and the world was crashing down around me. If I hadn't had this blog to turn to and twitter to rely on for support through the rough times, I can't imagine what would have happened. But things were bad. Very bad. Very bleak.

And then I heard a song from Lady Antebellum. A song whose lyrics I posted way back then I'm pretty sure. Tonight, that song made me cry again. For a completely different reason.

I look back at the first time I heard Hello World, and I think about how much that message affected me then. How I decided that I was tired of living in darkness and depression. "Sometimes I feel, as cold as steel, broken like I'm never gonna heal." Yeah. I was there. I've been there. But at the same time "I see light, a little hope in a little girl, hello world." Yeah. I did.

Living with the kids was the right decision this summer. That little girl was my world for so long, I needed that time. I also spent a lot of hours in tears. Tears no one knows that I was crying, because it was after we'd gone to bed. I can't tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep. They are too numerous to count.

I finished the summer MAD. Mad because even though I was coming back to a substitute teaching position, I couldn't fathom why none of my sixty job applications had even merited a response.

Today, I admitted aloud what I've known for a couple weeks.

I HAD to come back. I NEED these kids in my life.

"All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here, I fall down on my knees, surrender and believe, hello world."

The empty I was feeling when I decided to run? Isn't there anymore. I've been put into this position for a reason. These kids need me, but I need them. More than they will EVER know.

I've been told to expect to be in this position until Christmas. There's also always the chance it could go longer than that. One way or another, I'll have changed. For the better. So much.

I cry less. I'm truly happy. An emotion that was lacking for so long has come back to me. Although I claimed it way back then, I think tonight I can truly say:
"Hello world. How you been? Good to see you my old friend"

1 comment:

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

And it's good to have the happy you back.