13 June 2010

Eleven months, one day

In the last month or so, I have tried to stay more positive and I think it has worked. I certainly hoped that it how I have come across here, on Twitter and on Facebook. I'm not saying I haven't complained, because I have (did I mention how boring Wyoming was? or the unfairness of a review that I'd have to pay to complete?), but overall, I've smiled more and laughed more than I have on a consistent basis in the last year.

I considered not typing this, but I was hit hard today. For a reason, I'm not entirely sure of. And I need to let it out, because even if it only helps a little, I'm hoping it'll will help some.

Last night, as I mentioned, I went to baseball. It was the eleven month anniversary of my aunt's death. My aunt who is the whole reason I love baseball. She took me to the first game I truly remember and the memories that were created on that trip hit me every time I'm at a ballpark, any ballpark. And yet last night, despite being cold, I was happy. I enjoyed the game (what I could see when people weren't standing in front of me).

Today, I was supposed to go to another game. But, it has been raining for three days. And although it stopped for the game yesterday, this morning showed no signs of letting up, so we decided to not go. We made plans to hang out at my friend's house and watch the game, as well as another game where it was warm. I agreed. I didn't hesitate. This was a choice that made sense.

And yet? I fell apart five seconds later. No part of hanging out in the rain appealed to me. But canceling baseball plans caused an emotional breakdown. I started crying and couldn't stop. I sent a tweet and received support. This is invaluable to me. Over the last 11 months any time I've truly needed it, I had people reaching out. When others don't understand it and ask why I use Twitter? I can easily say for the community. Because people reaching out? I don't get that all the time. I can't get that all the time. But I know at any point I can turn there and say I'm a mess. I'm having an anxiety attack or a breakdown and right away I have people lending support.

After my mini-meltdown and some hang out time with my friend and her family, which included some cuddle time with her little girl (is there anything better really?) - I can honestly say that I'm okay now. This day turned around dramatically and quickly. It ended up being a perfect ending to a weekend. Even if the weather didn't cooperate and my baseball team didn't win. I ended the weekend on a high note and that's what really matters.

So, thank you. If I haven't said it enough, thank you for being there through the challenges this year has presented. I appreciate it more than words can possible describe.

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