12 May 2010

Death is not the greatest loss

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

Today marks ten months since my aunt’s death. For the last month or so, I’ve felt fine. I’ve had my mind on other things more often, even though thoughts of her often arise. I no longer need to cry every time I think about her. Progress is huge. 

This month my mom's other sister had a bad mammogram and several biopsies. Thankful the lumps were just cysts that needed to be drained. Still scary and emotional.

Last night, I heard the above quote on one of my favorite shows. It resonated. How much did I miss during the eight or nine months in the fog of depression. How many moments with K were lost because I was mad. Not made at her but mad at the world. How many relationships did I sabotage out of fear. More than I can accurately say.

I still haven’t gone to church. This bothers me, but not as deeply as it did last month. I long for fellowship, but have kept busy doing other things- like getting ready to move in less than 20 days. I’m confident that once I have a “home” and know where I’ll be, I'll better at the building relationships thing. It’s hard to think about making new friends only to up and move. This might be why online relationships seem to be so much easier for me to develop. I've never really planned to stay here, no matter what my family might think. Some things are easier left unsaid.

I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of dying inside. I'm taking the next step and turning the corner. 

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