This has been a long couple of days. We've driven from one end of Vegas to the other more times than I can count (250 miles or so since thursday morning). I have also managed to miss the strip 3 out of the 4 times I've attempted to get there. Who does that?

I think both of us are worrying about making the other go too much. It doesn't help that there is a bug going around the house making me nervous. I do not want to end up puking for our driving home please.

I am so incredibly tired and have a headache that will not end to top it all off. I was in tears because of overstimulation and pain earlier. Had to take three advil in order to be able to move. That or the caffeine finally kicked in.

Tomorrow will once again be busy, but I think I need to start the day with starbucks in order to ease the day along.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Rough Week

This has not been the best of weeks. I have been an emotional wreck all week, which is bad in a house that doesn't allow that. My entire life, all I've ever heard when I've been upset is that there is nothing to cry about. Well, when you sink into a depression every February during high school, there most certainly is. I have always dug out of it relatively quickly, but I've never had a rough a year. I had all my grandparents until my senior year when my mom's stepfather died. We'd been told our entire lives that grandpa was dying. I was 17. That's a lot of processing time, it seemed natural.

Two years ago January, my father was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I don't think I ever said anything here. He went through 6 rounds of chemo and would appear to be cured.

In June, my brother got married and my mom's eldest sister (our favorite one, which sounds mean but is the truth) didn't come. She wouldn't say why, just that she'd tell mom afterwards. She'd been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. At this point, I was pissed at the word cancer. I still am. I don't want to hear it. It's taken too much.

In February of this year, my dad's best friend (whom I'd called uncle my whole life and who we live next door to) died. I think it was emphysema, but he too had been sick for quite some time and we all knew it wouldn't be long. It was sad and I miss him, but I don't feel that it's the cause of this slump.

In May, after some conversations with her sister (and days when she wasn't allowed to), my mom decided that she had to go to Canada to say goodbye. At first, it sounded like my mom would go and my cousin (her son) would go on his trip leaving my mom to watch his kids at their grandmother's house. Quickly, that was gone. I offered to stay with the kids for a week if they would fly me up because I knew how important this trip was to them. My mom got to Canada the week before I did, and left the week before I left. We saw each other once, for fifteen minutes during that time. When I was at my aunt's saying goodbye. It was the hardest fifteen minutes of my life because I had been told I wasn't allowed to be upset in front of her.

When I got back down to the city with my cousin, his wife and daughter were having a conversation about how grandma was going to die and L, my 10 yr old cousin was putting on a brave face, saying that it was okay because grandma would be in a better place and out of pain, etc. Her mother asked if she was "okay with grandma dying" and I fell apart saying that I wasn't. I still cannot think of that moment with falling apart.

I came home on July 8. My aunt, the planner, died the 12th. Everyone was in their place. She felt it was okay to go. While I'm glad she's out of pain, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Every day.

Tonight I wasn't sure if I could drive home because the tears came with a song on the radio. The other night, I said something about four months and fell apart. And cried until 1230 in the morning. Thank god for my twitter friends, because they were there when I was crying. They've been there. They've been the ONLY ones to tell me it's okay to cry (well, my cousin's wife did too, but she's 3000 miles away and I haven't talked to her since July 12). It's nice to have built a community. It's why I needed this back so badly.

I'll be okay. I'll pull through. I may have to go talk to a doctor, with money I don't have and don't know where it'll come from, but I'll be fine. Someday. I don't think it'll ever stop hurting though. How do you lose your favorite person on Earth and not hurt?

My favorite person in the world died four months ago today.

Will it ever stop hurting?

Reasons this was a great weekend

1. Mission #savethejackalanta - I haven't had so much fun putting together things in a really long time. It started with Kel's little boy Finn wanting a Halloween, which they don't celebrate in Australia and ended with me buying a trick or treat bucket and some other surprises for him. K and I mailed it yesterday after spending an hour at the parade. Her number one concern? That the poor jackalanta was going to suffocate before making it to 'Stralia. I love her.
2. The parade - I have not attended this parade in a great number of years (10-12 or so?). K asked me to take her after trick or treating on Friday night (yay! backwards state that goes a day early), so of course I got up early and took her.
3. Trick or treating - K asks me to take her every year and this year was no different. We went to our usual dozen houses and then went home for hot cocoa and a couple pieces of candy. Perfect evening. This year, she was NOT scared of anything which is a BIG change from the years before.
4. Lunch date - at the parade, they handed out a free kid's meal coupon at Chili's. Of course, K and I had to take complete advantage of that and even though we had packed pizza, we headed over there immediately after mailing Finn's package.
5. Sleepover - K and B insisted that I stay the night last night, which was a blast because it's been a really long time since that has happened. After a quick afternoon nap to make up for being up until 930 the night before, K was good to go to the park for 1/2 hour while mom was cooking dinner which was a blast. B was busy with dad or he would have tagged along too.
6. Gifts - I finally found K's Christmas dress that had been in the trunk of my car missing for MONTHS. I am so excited because her mom asked me to take their holiday pictures next weekend and this is perfect. 

As I went to type this I think there was more. But I lost it! I cannot wait for the week ahead because I have three days of week and three activities with K and B! Perfect!