I have not left my house since Tuesday at noon. I will not leave my house before tomorrow evening at 4ish. I am likely to talk myself out of leaving even then. Although my weekend at the lake was great fun, the rest of the week has sucked. I've had zero jobs this week, meaning I've made zero dollars. This means that I feel like I can't go do anything, even though that's completely false.

I am supposed to take K trick or treating tomorrow night. I take her every year. She asks me to. I don't know what time I'm supposed to be there. I didn't ask her mom and I haven't called to check. IF I'm going to follow through for that little girl, I better get on it now. Like immediately, by picking up the phone and calling. Also unlikely to happen.

I hate feeling like a let down. I hate feeling like I can't do anything right. I am unhappy right now and I have no one to talk to about it. So I sit here and cry as I type only parts of what I really want to. I don't know how to put the rest of it into words.

Do you think if I made this song my ringtone

it would send out a sign to those around me who haven't figured out where I'm at right now?

Because I just did.

This weekend? I so NEED this weekend.

Tomorrow is pretty much nothing, I have a couple things to do in town, and I might offer to grab K if B has soccer all day.

However, Sunday? Sunday, my best friend and I (and her two kids - ages 7 weeks and 4 yrs) are heading the "lake" to spend the night. Her mom won two free nights and we have to use them Sun-Thurs. We'll probably take some fall pics, watch some movies and go swimming in the pool.

All totally typical things, things that we do every weekend anyhow, but doing them away from home will make it that much better. I absolutely CANNOT wait.

Overall, I'm finding lots of things to look forward to and things are feeling up today. Let's hope it stays that way.

I'll just take my blog back now, if you don't mind.

I stopped posting here officially 10 months ago. But, really? It was LONG before that. In the last ten months, I have spiraled into a depression I'm not sure I can dig out of. I NEED this community. I need this outlet. If I feel like I can't vent frustrations, all that is going to happen is that I'm going to keep going deeper and deeper. I had my first anxiety attack in February. I haven't had one in a while, which is a plus but sometimes I feel like life is completely overwhelming.

Last weekend, my best friend and I went to find somewhere to take cool fall pictures (even though is was like eighty degrees outside at the time, so the pictures include tank tops for the girls!). To do this we went on the side roads instead of taking the freeway. We ended up driving through the neighborhood of the person who ‘found’ me and in the long run, made me give up my blog. My blog, which had to that point, helped me through SO much. I wanted to cry, just driving in the neighborhood. And that was NOT okay with me.

And then, Issa posted on twitter. I responded and told her how much I miss blogging circa 2006-2007. When people read blogs and commented, not just kinda glanced at them in a feed reader, but probably don't click over (of which, I am TERRIBLY guilty, I'm working on it, I swear). When if I had a crisis or question, I could post and get AT LEAST four responses, sometimes seven or eight. Most of those commenters I know ‘talk’ to on twitter, but it’s not the same at all. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate them, and the new friends I have made. Not at all. Because without at least twitter? I CANNOT imagine what my life would be like right now.

I need this. I need to be able to write more than 140 characters and ask for help.

Please join me in helping me take back my blog. Please let me know you’re here. Please help me keep the motivation. And if all I do is whine? Feel free to say something, but know that I’m working through some big things right now.