Wow, where to begin?

I spent the last two days working for the educators association that I am part of. And was paid in ones. That is a lot of freakin' one dollar bills. Especially when in a casino (although, I only played like $3). It wasn't hard work. In fact it was kind of dull listening to them debate about things and contradicting themselves (actually that part was frustrating, do you hear yourself speak? Because you JUST said that you didn't agree and now all of a sudden you do. Really?). I met the president elect, and I am going to ask her to appoint me to the government relations committee (hey, even if I'm not teaching or student teaching, I can care about teaching issues, right? *we won't talk about the free trips to Vegas and possibly other places as it is an election year*). Hilary Clinton and Senator Edwards (wait, why is that how they were being referred to? why not say Senators Clinton and Edwards? Hmmm....) were supposed to come speak, but they didn't show. It would have been amazing to see them - hopefully I'll get a chance next year!

The hardest part of the weekend was being around the boy. I had successfully not talked to him for some time (almost a month), except to say hi quickly in passing. But Friday night, his fiance used my camera for pictures at a dance we were at (hers died and she was official photographer). Then all day yesterday and today we've been at an event where if I let him, he could be in charge of me and I would be required to follow his instructions. However, I relied more on others and rarely put myself in the position to have to respond to him with yeses. Because, that's what got me trouble before. I always agree, so he expects it, and nothing changes. I actually left feeling good about the days events. Yay for taking another baby step toward getting over him, but still being able to work with him.

Haiku time

Frustration abounds
Is the semester over?
Only two more weeks!

*Sigh*

I have no idea what I’m going to do in the fall. Other than the fact that I’m not going to student teach. I feel very lost and confused right now. Although, chatting with Sassy definitely helped last night (I don't think she realizes how valuable our conversations have been). She suggested finding a nanny job in the town where I go to school. Or Vegas. Or Oakland. I mentioned taking time to go to Toronto. All of which is a possibility. I need the time to do my own thing. I also should probably talk to an adviser. Yay, what fun! (Totally sarcastic. I hate the advisors. They’re the reason I’m not student teaching right now and am even in this situation).

So now, I’m off. I’m on a job hunt. I don’t really need a job until August, but I guess if the right thing came along I could leave the family I’m supposed to be with this summer and work elsewhere. I found three or four options in the San Francisco area. But nothing stands out as perfect, so I’m going to keep searching.It feels good to know that I can relax a little and not stress about how I’m going to handle school stuff. I have one more paper to write and some editing to do on another and only one final. I'm excited. And smiling for the first time in what seems like forever.

He's back!

DJ's back!

You have no idea how excited this makes me!

Now if only the A's could score a run or something!

What to do...

I am seriously considering sitting next semester out. I don’t care about school. I don’t care about student teaching. And I don’t think I can be effective in that setting. Also, if I student teach in the fall, I’ll be looking for a job in January. When very few schools are hiring. I think I’m either going to find a substitute teaching job for the fall or a full-time nanny position. I posted an ad with no luck thus far, but hopefully someone reads it and responds.

I could have signed up for courses at 3pm yesterday. And for the first time ever I didn’t rush to make sure that I’d get into the ones that I wanted. Because I don’t want to.

Another reason to take a semester off? I have no money and my financial aid runs out – meaning that all expenses are out of pocket while I work what is essentially a full-time job without pay. How am I supposed to make car payments in that situation?

I’m tired of being treated like a robot by the university. We are not all the same. We do not all agree with everything you teach us. And yet, so many don’t take the time to learn about alternative theories of education. If I was to turn in my true philosophy of education, they would never let me pass and go on to student teaching. Which to me, seems grossly unfair.

What happened to the me who used to love school?

I am seriously burnt out. I want nothing more than to be done, preferably now. I find that I have a really hard time paying attention in classes, and I don't seem to be learning anything that I haven't heard before. Which may be why I've been picking up John Holt books. I so understand what he is saying, especially now that I am bored out of my mind daily in classes. Why can't i just complete the assignments and be done?

For years (going on 16 of them), I have loved school and strived to do my best. This semester, I just don't care. What's worse is next semester I student teach, and I don't know if I can handle that if I'm still feeling this way. It's hard - and no one seems to be listening. I say things, and people shrug me off, like oh everyone feels that way. Yeah, well have they all been straight A students for 16 years and just suddenly could care less? No, I didn't think so. I'm done, I'm different. I need a break, and I can't have one.

I wrote this in late February, but it's just as true now, despite the fact that I only have 2 weeks left to this semester.

Sometimes

Wow, only nine days until I'm supposed to post a list of everything I read this month. Must drag out reading list and see what I actually read for class. And then add anything else.

In other news, May 1st in NINE days away. And I drove home in a blizzard tonight. After the annoying road conditions computer operated system told me that there would be occasional light rain, ending between two pm and eight pm, or at least by midnight (same forecast despite the time changing, probably should have been my first hint). Last time I checked, rain wasn't white. I really hate this new system that the state department of transportation implemented this year. I think that they were trying to copy a neighbouring states system. But you want to know something? They didn't. I usually call the neighbouring states system if there is any chance that it can provide me with the information I desire. Which fairly often it can, so many highways cross the border at least once if not twice or more. But you know, the one in my state? Tells me that nine is not an option. When I say one. Tells me it doesn't understand me, when I don't know how many ways there are to say two. And tonight gave me 321 instead of 341 when I asked for road conditions. Um, since when does twenty remotely sound like forty? Because other that the -ty at the end, they are NOTHING alike.

I leave a comment just about every time I call - and yet nothing has changed. I leave frustrated and often unsure of the conditions of the roads I am about to drive on. Like tonight. When I couldn't see on the windy, scary mountain road. That I would have avoided had I known!

Okay, now back to homework...

Hmm...

Tonight, my mom, dad and brother went to sushi for dinner (don't ask, I wasn't invited, but that's okay, because I don't eat sushi anyhow). While there, my mom spotted K, who was there because her dad was picking up sushi for his dinner. She went up and said "Hi, Miss K" and K turned and jumped into my mom's arms. At this point you should know that my parents have never met K and B's parents (despite the fact that I've worked for that family for over four years!). So dad was rightly a little concerned. My mom introduced herself, but without me there, it was probably a little awkward.

I can't imagine what it would feel like to have my kid run up to a "stranger" when we were out in public. Especially with such warmth in her expression. What do you think? Have you ever had it happen?

Someday I will post again, and not about depressing things

We have had a candle light vigil on campus, on top of several opportunities to sign cards and banners that will be sent to Virginia Tech. I think all of us on this campus were affected deeply, because it could have been us.

Who knows if there is someone on their campus capable of committing such a crime? I walk into classes and wonder if anyone is feeling that desperate that they could hurt others. I walk into classes and realize that I don't really know many of my classmates. It makes me want to reach out. And it makes me afraid. School is supposed to be a safe place and it no longer feels like that.

Tomorrow, Virginia Tech's Alumni Association is encouraging everyone to wear orange and maroon, the school colours. As a sign of remembrance. As a sign of togetherness and unity. I know I will. What about you?

Edited to add - my campus was closed tonight. Lockdown. Because of threats. I know there have been A LOT of copycat threats in the last couple days. It doesn't make it any less scary. I got out of there right before they officially locked down the dorms. And walking to my car 1/2 block away was terrifying. But I wanted out. My ID was in my car. As was my phone. Meaning I couldn't call my mom if I needed to, or have any proof of who I was. Scary days are ahead.

There really are no words

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families and friends affected by the tragedy at Virginia Tech yesterday.

Easter Monday, what fun!

Today we went to the train museum. These kids like that place a lot, despite the fact that we go there fairly regularly. Sometimes I really am disappointed in this town - all the cool kids places are closed on Monday. What day do kids generally have off of school? That's right, Monday!

When we got there, B told the lady at the register, one grown-up and a seven and three, no wait FOUR, she's FOUR, year old! Which made us all laugh.

I was informed that I could ride the train for free on Mother's Day. I asked, if I was a mother right? The guy laughed and said that I could borrow the kids for the day and it would still be free! Way to be on top of things people. If B was mine, I would have been a month away from 14 when he was born. It's one thing when people think K is mine, but B? Really?

Here's K matching model trains to the ones on display.

She had a lot of fun, as did B, who got to blow a train whistle (which when you are seven is the coolest thing EVER, especially when your four year old sister says, "it startled me" - yes the kid said startled. On her own.)

And now, B has a friend over and they are watching Happy Feet while K naps. If she can sleep through the noise at this house today!

Busy, busy, busy

I haven't even posted in almost a week, and yet, I have more hits on average this week than ever. Interesting.

Yesterday, we had a brush fire, Read Across America, a thunderstorm and a rainbow, all before 6 pm. And I, of course, have pictures.

I took that one while driving. Zoomed in, it's a pretty amazing shot. The fire was out quickly - but how scary for the homes around. And it was before the thunderstorm.

The Cat and the Hat! And a guy from the college, who came to read - Oh the Places You'll Go.

My friend took this out the window of my car on the way to church. I didn't get as good of a shot as I had hoped for, but that's okay.

After church (6-7) I had to take my friend to the airport so that she could fly back to Vegas - she just came back Tuesday night, and now is gone until Sunday night at like 10.

We (her cousin and I) dropped her off, and then went out! Yay for going out! I haven't done that in a long time. I got back to the apartment around midnight or so - she didn't come back until like 3am - thankfully she had friends who could bring her back here. It was a long day, but a lot of fun!

Today, I've just been "home" - at my friends apartment - all day. Tomorrow, I am going to my home church, then my mom moved dinner up for me, then I get to drive back to college town for the other church service and to pick up my friend from the airport.

It was better than I expected

Last Friday night, my mom and I went to see Rod Stewart in concert. And I, like always, took way to many pictures. So here are a couple. I wanted to embed the video but picasa won't let me.



It was actually quite a bit of fun - and the people around me definitely enjoyed me sending the album to them...



And now, I must return to class. And maybe consider telling a cute K story at some point in the near future.

*Sigh* Relief, it feels good

I talked to the boy’s fiancé tonight at church. And it was wonderful.

I wanted to tell her congratulations - but first I needed to actually have the chance to talk to her, since it had been well over a month since we’d even said hi. She gave me a big hug during greeting/fellowship time, and after the service, I made the point of trying to talk to her. She’s kind of the person that everyone goes to for problems/advice/hugs, so it took a while but that was okay.

When it was finally my turn, she gives me a hug and asks if I’m okay. She knows that stuff happened between the boy and me, but I never expected that (she was seriously concerned that I was upset or mad at her). We talked for a long time, I told her congratulations, and that I was never avoiding her (she felt like I was staying away from her, and I felt like she was staying away from me! Ah – miscommunications!), we just kept missing each other a various times.

We made plans to get together for tea or something, sometime soon. Very soon. And I made sure she knew that I am very happy for her. And she was clear on the fact that it’s okay that I don’t get along with/ can’t spend a lot of time with the boy.

I felt like she respected me for the pain, or whatever that I feel around him (it doesn’t really hurt anymore, as long as I don’t try to be super friendly with him, which I’ve done well at lately). I actually left an event he was at smiling tonight. For the first time in a long time.

I may email her tonight – if not tomorrow morning – I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Hmm...

I don't really have 13 new posts as bloglines may be telling you. I added labels to some old posts, which seems to make the computer think that I actually edited them. And all I did was go to my edit posts page, select a few and label them. Oh well.

I've had a busy day. I went to church this morning with my friend (the one who let me sit and talk forever on Sunday), went to Bible Study prep (I'm leading on April 10, 2 Thessalonians 1) and now I'm off to the college church group that I go to on Sunday nights.

And I get to get up really early tomorrow, in order to leave here by 630, because K is out of school, and if I'm not there by 730, B will probably be late to school.

But the best news of all? The A's beat the Giants 2 of 3 games this weekend (and tied on the third game). Even if two of my favourites are out until July (possibly) - I can still be excited for the season to start!